Do you ever get that feeling in the middle of the night?

You don't want to go to sleep. You don't want rest, though you're tired and you need it. You don't want to stop watching movies or instant messaging or listening to music. You want a numbed brain, or at least something else, something unreal, to focus on so that you don't have you look at your own life and think about reality.

The computer is really weirdly powerful. It can make you forget, for a while.

This all sounds very doom-and-gloom-y but I don't really feel that way. I just feel... unanchored. Like I'm not attached to anything anymore. High school is soon ending. My friends seem to be drifting away. I don't feel particularly close to anyone, or belonging to any group. I'm too old to be worried over by parents, but still living at home. College hasn't started...

Liminal space. I'm in between.

It's a lonely thing to be stuck in liminality. It's not a melancholy sort of loneliness, no; it's more like loneliness as in simply being alone. I am alone. I just am, and there's nothing happy or sad about it. Adrift in a vast ocean, if you want to be poetic about it. And I do feel a bit poetic. I always do after midnight. (Though the ocean thing does sound a little sad, don't you think?)

Anyway, this is probably all very boring to normal people. I will probably need a shrink when I grow up. Or maybe I should just become one so I can psychoanalyze myself.

Do shrinks need shrinks? Or can they hire themselves?

Oddly, I'm not that excited about anything right now. I mean there's certainly plenty to be excited about. Prom, graduation, summer. And to a certain degree I am happy about these things. They'll be fun. But I honestly can't work up all that much passion or emotion for them. Maybe because I don't have anything to be excited about.

That sounds contradictory.

I'm talking about personally. I guess college. I am very excited about that, but that's in like months and months. What will keep me alive during the summer? I don't want to spend all 3 months just.. unexcitedly living. It's not really living at all.

I guess I'm too used to being caught up with some emotion or other all the time, so the absence of emotion or excitement or anger even is making me loopy.

I'll end this. I'm going to bed to face reality.

Why does everything have to be such a struggle with me?

Other people go to school, they apply to college, they get in some places and it's obvious where they should go. Why does it have to be so hard for me? I'm so sick of this crap. I want to know where to go. Is it because I'm overthinking this? Do I just enjoy making things difficult for myself?

Also. PROM. What the heck is up with the prom date situation. This is ridiculous. Everyone is getting together so that all eligible boys are out. I can name at least 10 couples who have started going out in the last month. There's like than a few weeks left of real school. These new couples' reasoning completely defies logic, and common sense, and while some may be like "Ohh that's so romantic" it's NOT because those relationships will fail once fall comes and everyone's gotta go their separate ways, no matter how they try to fight the long-distance thing. I suppose people have always liked each other and maybe now is the only time they've finally gotten the courage to do and say stuff about it. But honestly people! There are practically no viable dates left. Everyone is taken or not likely to ask me. Would going to prom stag be worth it???

I feel acutely that anything that goes wrong is a slight against me. I realize this. I want to correct this. But it's hard, and with every small catastrophe I'm just getting more and more downhearted and sad and then nobody wants to talk to someone like that, much less ask them to prom.

It's a vicious cycle.

Basically though, I just want to arrive at some conclusion and get closure regarding the whole college thing. I can overlook all this high school drama if only I had something concrete to look forward to. But right now, I just don't know what to do. WHAT DO I DO?

The last of the college decisions have arrived, and I am left confused.

It's been disappointing. Not that I expected much from myself - I didn't - but seeing the types of people who got acceptances where I did not just makes me ask "What the HELL?"

I feel very very pessimistic and disillusioned. I can't summon the energy to do math homework. Lifting the pencil is impossible. Why in the world should I do this math assignment? Look at all the math assignments I've done over the past four years. They've all come to naught, apparently. They've done me no good. Why should I continue? Yes, I might get rescinded from what paltry few schools I even got into, but so what. I feel so miserable I don't even care.

What bugs me the most is that I could've just gone to any old school and gotten into UCLA. Why the heck did I go to Troy? My class rank SUCKS. Not being in full honors for the first two years because of that stupid Troy Tech test that I didn't even try on SUCKS. Being in the same classes as math geniuses made my grades SUCK.

I'm tired and weary and confused. Excuse my melodrama but why God?? Why in the WORLD?

I don't know where I'll go and I don't know what to do. I need help.